“Yes, of course, I can take care of it!” “No, no, you don't need to do that for me, I'll manage.”
In Finnish culture, strength, self-reliance, and independence are highly valued. We Finnish women are also known for these qualities: we take care of our work, homes, relationships, children, friendships, ageing parents, hobbies, and our own well-being.
Or at least we try to take care of it all.
Our Times Fuel Feelings of Inadequacy
We live in a time when everyone has the freedom to express themselves and pursue their dreams. Everyone is expected to be the architect of their own happiness and constantly strive to become a better version of themselves. But when is enough, enough?
Many people feel that simply being an ordinary, imperfect person is not enough. As demands continue to increase, both from ourselves and from those around us, the bar for being good enough seems to move further and further away.
We try to overcome the nagging feeling of inadequacy by pushing ourselves even harder. By becoming even stronger, even more self-reliant. Less demanding, more agreeable, and more flexible. Often, this constant striving is also a form of self-protection: if I take care of everything properly, if I don't need anyone, no one can be disappointed in me. I won't have to risk hearing that I'm not good enough.
It feels safer to manage on our own.
From Simply Coping to Thriving
However, being self-reliant and constantly pushing ourselves does not guarantee security or a sense of being enough. And even if we really can manage on our own, is simply coping what we truly want?
Managing everything alone is not the human default setting, but rather a compromise we have made in our individualistic world. One study found that even a mountainside appears less steep when a person is standing next to a friend, and steeper when they are alone.
As cliché as it may sound, every burden is lighter when carried together. Perhaps it is time for us Finnish women to embrace a little of this cliché? Together, we could move beyond simply coping – towards truly thriving!
A Time for Sisterhood That Supports and Uplifts
As a counterbalance to constantly having to cope and push ourselves, we need a Finland and communities where it is safe to also be weak, uncertain, ordinary, in need of help, and a work in progress. Workplaces where it is safe to say no. Friends who encourage us to try and comfort us when we make mistakes. Communities where we can rest, take a wrong turn, and still feel supported and good enough.
I believe that, paradoxically, it is only when we truly dare to lean on others, even when we feel imperfect and small, that we can begin to rest in the knowledge that we are enough as we are. I have personally experienced the enormous impact of daring to lean on those close to me. It has increased my well-being and vitality and deepened my relationships.
What if we women decided together that the time of having to manage everything alone is over, and that it is now time for a sisterhood where we support and uplift one another? I will be taking part in the VoimaNaiset event in Seinäjoki this November, and I believe events like these are wonderful opportunities to build these supportive communities.
I hope to see you in Seinäjoki!
Aliisa Holkko
Social Psychologist, Speaker, Non-Fiction Author, and Well-Being Expert